Seal’s Kiss from a Rose played on my battery powered radio I had sat on the rocks as I dance around the seldom used fire pit in my backyard of a house falling apart, both physically and figuratively, with a culmination of sorrowful nights of drunken fights, persistent abuse, and a loud disconnect of parent child relationship. I danced around the backyard with abandon, the ground grey with thick dirt impossible to dig through without breaking your fingernails, loving the time alone to be in my own five year old thoughts. I loved how the music had more space to roam the world outside as opposed to echoing against the walls, and the struggle it had playing over the other often times bleak sounds of the house. This gave me the opportunity to have a relationship with the sound.
I heard an unrecognizable sound in my right ear. A buzzing, and I was then unable to concentrate on my song, just wanting to find where it was coming from. It was muffled but echoing at the same time, as sound does when it is trapped, not free to roam the world, as if from my own thoughts or maybe just my hair. I pressed my hand against my head and felt it move against my scalp. I was able to immediately, without struggle, get a good grip of it with my index finger and thumb and pull through the strands of my hair, directly in my face, a bee. Struggling between my fingers I saw its stripes, its wings, and its fear. I stared for a moment unsure of what to do that would keep myself safe, but at the same time not being a murderer to what I had just stared at in the face and what I had been so thankful to for not exerting the power it had to pierce my skin, why did it make that choice to not harm me? To just place a somewhat delightful buzzing in my mind, behind me ear, causing my heart to pound with curiosity? Did it know that the pain of harming me would harm itself too? All this was going through my mind in a flash as I made the choice to finally throw it forward with the fear it may come smack me right in the face with the fury it always had the potential to use against me, and ran quickly in the other direction inside the house to stare out the kitchen window trying to find it and with my ignorant eyes I truly believed I may be able to locate it again. Saddened when I could not see it through the screen from the window, I went outside again to search. Feeling for fleeting moments the sting of the loss of the buzzing in my mind and the regret of throwing it away. Walking out through the swinging screen door, past the grey dirt and the fire pit toward the ally way where a small field of dandelions and daisies resides, I laid down staring at the blue, grey sky seeing the green, white and yellow of the long flowers determined to be nuisances pierce the blue of the sky in my vision, hearing the buzzing again, of a bee, just above my face, settling on the weed, dangling in my face, staring at me with gratitude, for my choice to not kill, and me with relief that I’d found it.